How to Deal with Death and Desire

My sister Patti Finnerman was the most loving child. She was my sister and she died. In a bad way. I'm stuck with feelings I don't want to feel. She is dead, I'm alive and it's a New Year.


I enjoy human revolution, a Buddhist concept, so why not take a yoga class and meditate in the New Year?


I've been working on my Desire Map process to clarify these feelings of loss. I want to come up with new core desired feelings. I choose to feel harmonious bliss and lucky. So I AM. With the right kind of mudras and mantras in two days time, I was packing and on my way to Oahu, Hawaii.

While I was chanting for others happiness, my husband's friend offered us his home and his car. Along with the bliss of being in "The Gathering Place", came the inevitable grieving for the recent loss of my sister.



Patti and I spent our summers growing up in the Kahala Hilton and the Ilikai hotels. Our dad was in the land business. We roomed near Elvis and swam with the dolphins.  We were spoiled "haoles".

Yep, that's me getting my desired bliss in Oahu, Hawaii!

Other people write about their feelings and memories, so here I go.

My father loved ice cream. If you've ever had an ice cream cone on a hot, sunny day, you know that before you get through the first half of the cone it's dripping down your hand. My face was covered with Kona coffee ice cream. Patti was impeccably clean. Later on, I would learn that Patti had obsessive-compulsive disorder. My mother had dressed us in matching outfits. She has OCD too. I would never do that to a child.

I had a mad crush on Paul Petersen of the Donna Reed show. He was riding up the Ilikai elevator with us. As we went up the elevator in dripping bathing suits, I was beet red with mortification as my little sister pushed the buttons to stop at every floor.

Lesson at the Kodak Hula Show. My sister was a graceful child. I was not. She could follow steps. I could not. She had straight hair. I do not. I was kicked out of ballet. I still love to dance. I miss the person she was. I miss the ukulele music. She would not.

Ala Moana elevator with the guys

Just like my sister is no longer alive, the Oahu we knew is no longer alive. Where there was once pristine beaches and sand, dirt roads and happy Hawaiians, there is Gucci, Prada and Tiffany stores. Where we went sucked on sugarcane, their stands a high rise hotel or mall. The Ala Moana Shopping Center has all the commercial stores we can find in Los Angeles. There's Walmart, Costco, Macy's and Target instead of the store where our mother bought us matching dresses.



Our favorite restaurant, La Ronde Revolving Restaurant, used to have a 360° rotational floor. Since our birthdays were in July, every year we would get a birthday cake with sparklers on top. I was told it's now office space.

What my sister would have missed most are the abundance of flowers. There is still greenery. There's a business district where people were given leis. Where I used to sneak away with the locals to go surfing are shark infested waters and zoned off waters. My sister never got to surf.  Many times I think to myself of all the things she'll never do or experience.

I love you, Patti