The Lumineers - Morning Song (Fuel/Friends Session)

In reviewing my Desire Revolution process and creating my core desired feelings, this poem began this path on my journey.  I heard it in a Desire Mapping workshop given by Lianne Raymond.

For Longing by John O’Donohue

Blessed be the longing that brought you here

And quickens your soul with wonder.

May you have the courage to listen to the voice of desire

That disturbs you when you have settled for something safe.

May you have the wisdom to enter generously into your own unease

To discover the new direction your longing wants you to take.

May the forms of your belonging–in love, creativity, and friendship–

Be equal to the grandeur and the call of your soul.

May the one you long for long for you.

May your dreams gradually reveal the destination of your desire.

May a secret Providence guide your thought and nurture your feeling.

May your mind inhabit your life with the sureness with which
your body inhabits the world.

May your heart never be haunted by ghost-structures of old damage.

May you come to accept your longing as divine urgency.

May you know the urgency with which God longs for you.

How to Deal with Death and Desire

My sister Patti Finnerman was the most loving child. She was my sister and she died. In a bad way. I'm stuck with feelings I don't want to feel. She is dead, I'm alive and it's a New Year.


I enjoy human revolution, a Buddhist concept, so why not take a yoga class and meditate in the New Year?


I've been working on my Desire Map process to clarify these feelings of loss. I want to come up with new core desired feelings. I choose to feel harmonious bliss and lucky. So I AM. With the right kind of mudras and mantras in two days time, I was packing and on my way to Oahu, Hawaii.

While I was chanting for others happiness, my husband's friend offered us his home and his car. Along with the bliss of being in "The Gathering Place", came the inevitable grieving for the recent loss of my sister.



Patti and I spent our summers growing up in the Kahala Hilton and the Ilikai hotels. Our dad was in the land business. We roomed near Elvis and swam with the dolphins.  We were spoiled "haoles".

Yep, that's me getting my desired bliss in Oahu, Hawaii!

Other people write about their feelings and memories, so here I go.

My father loved ice cream. If you've ever had an ice cream cone on a hot, sunny day, you know that before you get through the first half of the cone it's dripping down your hand. My face was covered with Kona coffee ice cream. Patti was impeccably clean. Later on, I would learn that Patti had obsessive-compulsive disorder. My mother had dressed us in matching outfits. She has OCD too. I would never do that to a child.

I had a mad crush on Paul Petersen of the Donna Reed show. He was riding up the Ilikai elevator with us. As we went up the elevator in dripping bathing suits, I was beet red with mortification as my little sister pushed the buttons to stop at every floor.

Lesson at the Kodak Hula Show. My sister was a graceful child. I was not. She could follow steps. I could not. She had straight hair. I do not. I was kicked out of ballet. I still love to dance. I miss the person she was. I miss the ukulele music. She would not.

Ala Moana elevator with the guys

Just like my sister is no longer alive, the Oahu we knew is no longer alive. Where there was once pristine beaches and sand, dirt roads and happy Hawaiians, there is Gucci, Prada and Tiffany stores. Where we went sucked on sugarcane, their stands a high rise hotel or mall. The Ala Moana Shopping Center has all the commercial stores we can find in Los Angeles. There's Walmart, Costco, Macy's and Target instead of the store where our mother bought us matching dresses.



Our favorite restaurant, La Ronde Revolving Restaurant, used to have a 360° rotational floor. Since our birthdays were in July, every year we would get a birthday cake with sparklers on top. I was told it's now office space.

What my sister would have missed most are the abundance of flowers. There is still greenery. There's a business district where people were given leis. Where I used to sneak away with the locals to go surfing are shark infested waters and zoned off waters. My sister never got to surf.  Many times I think to myself of all the things she'll never do or experience.

I love you, Patti

2014

Patti was so bright and alive as a kid. Her life held so much promise. She was crazy, quirky and talented.She could have been a rockstar in the fashion industry. Instead, she worked at a bank and got married to a man she loved deeply. Five great kids were born. When her husband left her two weeks after her last son was born, her life unraveled. 

For another time…

 

The night before she died, I bought herbal essence conditioner. That shit does not work on my hair but sure smells good. The bottle stands unused in my shower. Reminding me of Patti.

Wish I wish I could write what I think of in the shower. I would write how much I miss my sister. I was the wild one, the one who dragged her through  the streets of Encino. How I filled at least 10 journal books with morning pages. I did Shakti  Naam every morning. How I continue to chant Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. How I found my core desired feelings through the desire map process. How much I miss my sister. 

Here's My Story

Here's my story…


I am a mother, wife, friend, teacher, traveler, advocate, random muse, Buddhist chanter and sometimes yogini.






MY CREDO
I believe in waking up early to glimpse the Divine. I believe my Kabbalah bracelet will somehow protect me. I believe in showing up to teach so I can watch the lightbulb go off in kid's minds. 

I believe Veterans will get up out of their wheelchairs to dance with me. 










I believe people can make a difference in each others' lives. I believe in the unseen, the electric, the eccentric. 

I believe in movement and poetry and music. I believe in the magic of waterfalls. I believe in spinning round and round until feeling dizzily alive.